Hi, we’re from the Wyoming Freedom Caucus and we’re not here to help you

I stood in line at the Freedom Caucus Complaint Department for hours, watching woke people tell the clerk what they thought of his politics and then leave in a huff. Finally it was my turn.

“Hello, what can I do to — I mean for — you today?” said the clerk, a balding old conservative white guy. I forget his name, but it really doesn’t matter because they all think and vote alike anyway.

“I’m here today about property taxes,” I said.

“Oh, no need to thank us,” he said, smiling. “We just did what all of Wyoming wanted us to do: cut your property taxes so you can spend your hard-earned money on something besides giving it to a government that doesn’t need it. 

“A vote for us next year is all the thanks we want. There are a lot more property tax cuts coming, I can assure you,” he said. “We’ve only just begun. Next!”

“No, no, I didn’t come to thank you,” I said. “I came because I want you to stop.”

A quizzical look came across his face. “I don’t understand,” the clerk said. “You didn’t like your property tax cut? We gave you several to choose from.

“There’s one for old people who’ve paid property taxes for at least 25 years, and a property tax refund program that we put more money into. Then there’s one for everybody, up to the first million dollars of your home’s value.”

“That’s part of the problem,” I said. “You gave us so many, it’s confusing. People don’t know what they qualify for.”

He chuckled. “Now I know where you’re coming from,” the clerk said. “We did that so people would complain, like you’re doing, so we could say, ‘Look folks, this tax system has gotten way out of control. What we need to do is get rid of all property taxes!’ That’s next on our agenda.”

“That’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard,” I said. “Giving us the across-the-board 25% cut you did would have been OK, as long as you put enough state money back in for local governments, special districts and schools to keep their budgets whole. But you didn’t, so they’ve had to cut.

“How are cities, towns and counties supposed to keep providing essential services, like law enforcement and fire protection, and fix roads?” I asked. “Then there’s a long list of special districts. Hospitals are closing their maternity wards, and some are at-risk of closing completely.”

The clerk cut me off. “I’m sure you’re aware, sir, that the Freedom Caucus knows all governments are too big, and the liberal elites will stop at nothing until they tax you to death,” he said. “We’ve said, ‘Enough! Use your reserves until they’re all gone, and then cut, cut, and then cut some more. People don’t need everything handed to them.”

I knew where this was leading. “But I pay property taxes for a reason,” I said. “I want an ambulance to come when I need it. I want parks, recreation and libraries in my town.”

He smiled again. “The Freedom Caucus wants libraries, too,” he said. “But we don’t want them filled with smut and sex stuff and books that suggest God created more than two genders. If you’d like, you can come back this afternoon and one of our Moms for Liberty can fill you in on our plans.”

“Oh, I already know your plans,” I said. “And I don’t like them one bit. You guys say you want freedom, but only for yourselves to tell the rest of us how to live. You even tell pregnant women they must deliver a baby, even if they’re a victim of rape or incest.”

The clerk held up his hand, and pointed at a sign on the wall: “One topic per complaint, please.”

“Very well, I’ll go back to property taxes,” I said. “Here’s my final complaint. Wyoming collects $2 billion in property taxes every year. If you take that away, how is anything going to be funded? Are you going to just raise the sales tax rate to a ridiculous amount, which means everyone but the rich must pay a huge percentage of their income for the services they now get from property taxes?”

The clerk clapped his hands and shouted, “Bingo!”

“You’re doing this just to keep getting elected, aren’t you?” I shouted. “If you win on one issue, you’re going to keep at it no matter what the consequences are.” 

“You sound like some of the people who came to a legislative committee meeting in Casper last week,” he replied, speaking in lower tones so I had to step closer to hear him. “They accused us of just playing politics with these property tax cuts to get elected.

“Frankly, it hurt some of our feelings,” he added, and pretended to sniffle, followed by an uproarious laugh.

“Now you’re mocking me,” I said. “This isn’t real, is it? Why in the world did I think the Freedom Caucus would have a complaint department? You only listen to yourselves.”

“Yes, you’re dreaming,” the clerk said. “But thanks for dropping by, and don’t bother to vote. Next!” Then he shoved my head backward, and I woke in bed.

“What a nightmare,” I thought, then tried to go back to sleep. It took a while, but when I finally dozed off, I found myself back in line at the complaint department. I guess I had more to say to that imaginary Freedom Caucus guy, and he’s the only one of that bunch who’d listen to me at all.