With family comes feelings: How to get along during the holidays

I love my family for so many reasons, and one of those reasons is that it’s made up of all kinds of people. My relatives come from different political points of view, different religious beliefs, different ethnic and racial backgrounds, and more. When everyone is together it’s not uncommon to hear multiple languages spoken around the house or to catch whiffs of Filipino pancit cooking along with more traditional American holiday dishes like turkey and pumpkin pie. While we typically get along despite our differences, like many families, there can also be tensions beneath the surface or conversation topics that can wreak havoc at any moment.

Most families have some kind of dynamic that has the potential to cause mayhem, and this can make visiting family for the holidays seem like something to avoid. In fact, a recent USA Today poll found almost half of respondents reported that they have lied to family about having other plans or being sick to avoid spending time with them. This year, after a particularly divisive election, you might be considering what your own excuses for not visiting might be this year. On the other hand, if you are willing to brave the potential minefield that can be holidays with the family, I have assembled some ideas and strategies from both my professional experience as a counselor and my personal experience to help you keep the peace at your next family gathering. 

Pregame plan

There are some things to consider before you even start to make your holiday plans. One is considering who you want to spend time with. I want you to get along with your family, but not all issues are reasonable to work through or ignore just to get along over the holidays. Some dysfunctions, such as a history of abuse, are likely to result in harm and are good reasons to avoid specific people during the holidays. If this sounds like your situation, I encourage you to find ways to connect with friends and family who are supportive and who you want to be around.

Also consider planning options for what you might be doing, especially if things get out of hand. Are there things you can do if you need a break, such as take a walk? Do you have someone who you can talk to who will understand your point of view? Do you have a plan for when it’s time to go home? 

When ‘it’ hits the fan

Planning is all good, but what about when something inevitably comes up? Maybe there is no stopping your dad from bringing up politics, your mom from addressing your appearance, or whatever it is in your family that has the potential to ruin the night. What do you do then?

Even though you might have the best political rebuttal saved up for a time just like this, I would suggest thinking twice, if your goal is to maintain peace. Politely changing the subject is probably the best play (and my typical go-to). No one likes to be told that they’re wrong, so the more you engage with debating about topics such as politics and religion, the more likely that you will experience negative outcomes, so take the high road.

You can change the subject in several ways, but most successful strategies have a couple of things in common. The first involves communicating that you don’t want to talk about the subject and the second involves providing an alternative. This can be a direct statement, such as, “I don’t want to talk about that,” or a more indirect route, by making a lighthearted (and non-offensive) joke about the topic. There are several people in my family who are amazing at this. The second part involves providing an out, such as changing the subject or leaving the scene. 

Damage control

Sometimes, you might not be the one taking the brunt of the family drama. What do you do when someone else is getting attacked? Disarming tensions in the moment may bring some immediate relief to the holidays, but often what is said during these times is damaging in the long term. Checking in with family members who may have been hurt can help mitigate some of that long-term hurt. This doesn’t have to be complicated or elaborate, it simply means letting them know that you saw what happened, that you know that they were hurt and that you care about them. Offer them an ear and focus on listening to their perspective without giving advice. 

Having a big family comes with a lot of benefits, but also can have some potential downsides. I can’t promise you’ll find all the answers to getting along during the holidays in this brief article, but there are ways to learn more. If you would like more strategies, I would highly recommend seeking out the services of a trained professional, such as a counselor or psychologist. You don’t even need a mental health diagnosis to talk to them! Even though this list isn’t perfect, I hope that my experiences will help you to find a bit more peace this holiday with your family.